"The Second Nine Months"

My dear friend, Beth, lent me "The Second Nine Months," by Vicki Glembocki, after a real heart-to-heart conversation about how hard being a mom to little ones is and how neither of us had that immediate bond and ooey-gooey feelings for our babies when they were first born (or for several months afterward).

I wish I would have read this book while I was pregnant. I wish I would have read it again when Laina was itty-bitty and her and I (and sometimes my husband, too) would end up crying together because we were so distraught and just didn't know what to do with eachother.

Vicki writes how everything about being a new mom was alien to her. About how all her other new mom friends seemed to have it all together and be in total, rapturous love with thier babies. About how she loved email more than her daughter. About how her daughter, Blair, cried and cried and cried and she couldn't figure out how to soothe her (man have I been there). About how she felt like a failure at this motherhood thing. So much of this book I could completely relate to. Looking back on the first several months of my own daughter's life, I was so overwhelmingly in the same place.

There were surveys that Vicki had to fill out at her baby's well-child appointments to screen for postpartum depression. They never identified her with depression. I never had such surveys, but I remember feeling similar - I just wanted someone to diagnose that something was wrong with me, so that there would be a valid reason why I felt the way I did. A valid reason why I didn't love my baby. A vaild reason why I really didn't feel any emotion at all. Sometimes anger, sometimes frustration, sometimes sadness. But mostly nothing, mostly apathy, mostly wanting to crawl up into the fetal position and cry and be swallowed up into a black hole, never to return.

So many people tell you before hand that having a baby is hard. They say it's "the hardest job you'll ever love". But that sounds so gushy. Like, ya, it's so hard but it's so rewarding. Well when you're in those first months, there is nothing rewarding about it. It's just hard and it just sucks. Literally, sucks everything out of you. There was one couple Jay and I met at a party when I was newly pregnant (or maybe we were not even pregnant yet, I can't remember), who told us like it is: They said "don't have kids, we're not kidding". And you could just tell they really weren't kidding. I think they are the only people who conveyed a real sense of how hard it is.

I can remember one meeting with our church mom's group where the speaker was talking about how hard it is to be a mom, but in the end said we love our children so much and asked how many of us would, of course, put ourselves in harm's way to protect our children. Well I could not honestly say that I would at that time. I didn't know for sure that I wouldn't, but I couldn't say for sure that I would sacrifice myself to save my baby. I wasn't sure I loved her that much. It sounds horrible to say, and at the time it made me feel like the worst mother on the planet, for even having the thought that I might stand idly by and let my own child get run over by a bus.

By the grace of God somehow we got through those first months, and just like Vicki describes, somehow along the way, little moments happen where you realize that you do love your baby, after all. Little by little you form a real relationship with this new little being that you are mother to. I can honestly say that it's only been in the last few months that I feel like I am truly connecting with my daughter. Truly loving her. Truly loving staying home with her and nurturing her and watching her grow.

By writing this, I don't want to dismiss those who really are naturally and blissfully in love with their babies from the beginning. I know that it happens and I know that it's wonderful. But for some of us, that's just not how it is. And I don't think that new moms should have to feel alienated or like there's something wrong with them if they don't have that immediate gushy lovey feeling to carry them through the tough times. So to any new moms who might be feeling anything less than bliss, read "The Second Nine Months". It's poignant, it's funny, it's sad, but most of all, it's real.

Book Report: How to Get Kids to Eat Great and Love It!

How to Get Kids to Eat Great and Love it, by Christine Wood, MD, was recommended to me by a couple different people.

In general, I feel like Laina is a good eater and will usually try whatever we put on her plate. Lately, that has been changing a bit. She does still eat a pretty wide variety of foods, especially grains - she loves them all, in any form. She also loves dairy products, fruit, and some veggies (peas, please!). The problem I'm running into is that she is less likely to eat veggies that she is not familiar with (and sometimes even those she is). So, thought I'd check this book out. The local library did not have it, so I had to put in a request for them to acquire it from a different county's library. It came and I read through it fairly quickly. Part of that haste was knowing that I wouldn't be able to renew it since it's an interlibrary loan and it HAS to be back on the due date.

Some of it was good, some of it was ok, and some of it was outdated. It was published in 2002, but already there are newer studies challenging some of her claims (like new studies on food allergies and how it may not be necessary or even beneficial to delay introducing certain "highly allergenic" foods). Dr Wood places a lot of emphasis on the Food Guide Pyramid, which I don't necessarily agree with. (It's ok as long as you realize that the grains and breads forming the base of the pyramid need to be whole grain. And, good fats should not be limited to the "use sparingly" category.)

Over all it was educational, had some good info, and I think will help me. One thing that makes a lot of sense and that I definitely will remember is that as a parent, it's our job to provide healthy meals, and it's the kid's job to eat it. She said children are very good at regulating their hunger, and if they don't eat as much as we feel like they should, that's ok. On some level I already knew this, but it's helpful to hear it from a doctor.

The book is divided into three sections. Section A contains information on what in our environment is detrimental to our and our children's health and how antioxidants in the diet (and through proper supplementation) are so important in fighting off environmental toxins. It's the basic background to why we need to be thoughtful about what we put into our children's bodies.

Section B takes the reader through each stage in childhood from infants to adolescents and gives tips on how best to approach feeding and nutrition in each stage.

I found Section C the most interesting. Titled "The War Against Diseases - Now & Long into Adulthood" it talks about how different nutrients play a key role in preventing and even improving different conditions such as allergies, asthma, exzema, ear infections, sinus problems, and attention deficit disorder.

Over all I do recommend checking it out. It's a good resource and there is definitely more that I did agree with than those few parts I didn't. Setting up the proper foundation for healthy eating and living is so important and has the potential to protect our kids from degenerative disease and obesity. The book reminded me of something I read somewhere else (I think from "Healthy for Life", which will have it's own review in due time) - in America, we live in the land of plenty, are overeating, yet starving nutritionally. It is making me more and more want to move out to the country, milk my own goats and farm my own food like my parents did when I was young (see pic below, me and my mom in the late 70s). For now, I'm going to be extra conscientious of what I buy (try to buy organic as much as possible), where I buy it (farmer's markets), and how I prepare it. Then, to make up for what we still lack from our foods, we are taking high quality nutritional supplements (which will be another review I'm sure).

Immaculate Deception II - Myth, Magic & Birth

I'm reading Immaculate Deception II. I have it on loan from a friend but I must buy my own copy because it is very good and will make a great resource as I embark on a journey of researching midwifery and homebirth. This is the second edition and was published in 1994, so some of the more technical information is getting dated, but the concepts remain the same.

There is a note at the beginning of the book:

"The original Immaculate Deception was in print for two decades. It continues to be required reading in many medical schools and nursing programs. Suzanne Arms was an early champion of midwives and birth centers, and founder of The Birth Place in Menlo Park, California. Her film, 'Five Women, Five Births' is considered a classic in childbirth education."

It is wonderful that the original version of this book is required reading in many medical schools and nursing programs, and I also think it should be required reading for anyone who is pregnant or is planning on becoming pregnant. Heck, it's probably even an important book to read for ALL women!

I do have to mention that there is a chapter on religion and how it has affected and oppressed women, and it's not written from a Christian perspective at all. I don't discount the entire chapter, however, as I think there is probably some truth to the things she mentions. Such as how the Catholic Church labeled Jesus' mother the "Virgin Mary" and wanted everyone to believe she was forever a virgin, when it is clear from scripture that she was indeed a virgin when Jesus was conceived and born, she was not her whole life - Jesus later had siblings.

I believe this is an important read, you just may want to take certain parts of it with a grain of salt. The chapters on normal pregnancy and birth are great. I also find her philosophy on fear very interesting. American women have become so afraid of pregnancy and the birth process that they believe they NEED many of the interventions "modern medicine" has to offer. Not that there isn't unfounded basis for this fear. In the past century and more American women were treated horrendously in labor; and of course there are real problems that may arise in pregnancy or labor and delivery. But on the whole, problems are rare, and our fear mostly gets in the way of and complicates our bodies' natural process.

I am looking forward to doing more research and gathering more information on the topics of midwifery, homebirth, and pregnancy in general. As some of you may know, I had wanted a home birth with our first baby, but got talked out of it by everyone I knew, and after taking a tour of the local hospital, decided it wasn't so bad. I did end up having an okay experience there, but I think it would have been even better at home. We'll see if I can get my wish with the second one.

And no, the second one is not on the way yet...but maybe soon...