"The Second Nine Months"

My dear friend, Beth, lent me "The Second Nine Months," by Vicki Glembocki, after a real heart-to-heart conversation about how hard being a mom to little ones is and how neither of us had that immediate bond and ooey-gooey feelings for our babies when they were first born (or for several months afterward).

I wish I would have read this book while I was pregnant. I wish I would have read it again when Laina was itty-bitty and her and I (and sometimes my husband, too) would end up crying together because we were so distraught and just didn't know what to do with eachother.

Vicki writes how everything about being a new mom was alien to her. About how all her other new mom friends seemed to have it all together and be in total, rapturous love with thier babies. About how she loved email more than her daughter. About how her daughter, Blair, cried and cried and cried and she couldn't figure out how to soothe her (man have I been there). About how she felt like a failure at this motherhood thing. So much of this book I could completely relate to. Looking back on the first several months of my own daughter's life, I was so overwhelmingly in the same place.

There were surveys that Vicki had to fill out at her baby's well-child appointments to screen for postpartum depression. They never identified her with depression. I never had such surveys, but I remember feeling similar - I just wanted someone to diagnose that something was wrong with me, so that there would be a valid reason why I felt the way I did. A valid reason why I didn't love my baby. A vaild reason why I really didn't feel any emotion at all. Sometimes anger, sometimes frustration, sometimes sadness. But mostly nothing, mostly apathy, mostly wanting to crawl up into the fetal position and cry and be swallowed up into a black hole, never to return.

So many people tell you before hand that having a baby is hard. They say it's "the hardest job you'll ever love". But that sounds so gushy. Like, ya, it's so hard but it's so rewarding. Well when you're in those first months, there is nothing rewarding about it. It's just hard and it just sucks. Literally, sucks everything out of you. There was one couple Jay and I met at a party when I was newly pregnant (or maybe we were not even pregnant yet, I can't remember), who told us like it is: They said "don't have kids, we're not kidding". And you could just tell they really weren't kidding. I think they are the only people who conveyed a real sense of how hard it is.

I can remember one meeting with our church mom's group where the speaker was talking about how hard it is to be a mom, but in the end said we love our children so much and asked how many of us would, of course, put ourselves in harm's way to protect our children. Well I could not honestly say that I would at that time. I didn't know for sure that I wouldn't, but I couldn't say for sure that I would sacrifice myself to save my baby. I wasn't sure I loved her that much. It sounds horrible to say, and at the time it made me feel like the worst mother on the planet, for even having the thought that I might stand idly by and let my own child get run over by a bus.

By the grace of God somehow we got through those first months, and just like Vicki describes, somehow along the way, little moments happen where you realize that you do love your baby, after all. Little by little you form a real relationship with this new little being that you are mother to. I can honestly say that it's only been in the last few months that I feel like I am truly connecting with my daughter. Truly loving her. Truly loving staying home with her and nurturing her and watching her grow.

By writing this, I don't want to dismiss those who really are naturally and blissfully in love with their babies from the beginning. I know that it happens and I know that it's wonderful. But for some of us, that's just not how it is. And I don't think that new moms should have to feel alienated or like there's something wrong with them if they don't have that immediate gushy lovey feeling to carry them through the tough times. So to any new moms who might be feeling anything less than bliss, read "The Second Nine Months". It's poignant, it's funny, it's sad, but most of all, it's real.

Immaculate Deception II - Myth, Magic & Birth

I'm reading Immaculate Deception II. I have it on loan from a friend but I must buy my own copy because it is very good and will make a great resource as I embark on a journey of researching midwifery and homebirth. This is the second edition and was published in 1994, so some of the more technical information is getting dated, but the concepts remain the same.

There is a note at the beginning of the book:

"The original Immaculate Deception was in print for two decades. It continues to be required reading in many medical schools and nursing programs. Suzanne Arms was an early champion of midwives and birth centers, and founder of The Birth Place in Menlo Park, California. Her film, 'Five Women, Five Births' is considered a classic in childbirth education."

It is wonderful that the original version of this book is required reading in many medical schools and nursing programs, and I also think it should be required reading for anyone who is pregnant or is planning on becoming pregnant. Heck, it's probably even an important book to read for ALL women!

I do have to mention that there is a chapter on religion and how it has affected and oppressed women, and it's not written from a Christian perspective at all. I don't discount the entire chapter, however, as I think there is probably some truth to the things she mentions. Such as how the Catholic Church labeled Jesus' mother the "Virgin Mary" and wanted everyone to believe she was forever a virgin, when it is clear from scripture that she was indeed a virgin when Jesus was conceived and born, she was not her whole life - Jesus later had siblings.

I believe this is an important read, you just may want to take certain parts of it with a grain of salt. The chapters on normal pregnancy and birth are great. I also find her philosophy on fear very interesting. American women have become so afraid of pregnancy and the birth process that they believe they NEED many of the interventions "modern medicine" has to offer. Not that there isn't unfounded basis for this fear. In the past century and more American women were treated horrendously in labor; and of course there are real problems that may arise in pregnancy or labor and delivery. But on the whole, problems are rare, and our fear mostly gets in the way of and complicates our bodies' natural process.

I am looking forward to doing more research and gathering more information on the topics of midwifery, homebirth, and pregnancy in general. As some of you may know, I had wanted a home birth with our first baby, but got talked out of it by everyone I knew, and after taking a tour of the local hospital, decided it wasn't so bad. I did end up having an okay experience there, but I think it would have been even better at home. We'll see if I can get my wish with the second one.

And no, the second one is not on the way yet...but maybe soon...

"Mama Cloth"

disclaimer: This post may contain TMI (too much information) for some readers - namely, men!

I gave birth to my baby girl 18, almost 19, months ago. I breastfed for 14 or 15 months. My dear Aunt Flo, thank God, did not bother to visit during most of those breastfeeding months. She showed up once around 13 months, and then not again until I had completely stopped breastfeeding. The very idea of using tampons in that sensitive, episiotomy-scarred area was akin to fingernails screeching across a chalkboard. So I was in no way going that route. Disposable sanitary pads are, well, gross. And stinky. And uncomfortable. And a waste of money. And generate a lot of trash for my tiny bathroom trash can that I am too lazy to empty everyday. You get the point - not going that route, either. Are there really alternatives? You betcha! I discovered "mama cloth" in the course of cloth diapering and participating in a few different online communities of cloth diapering mamas. Turns out, there are a plethora of mama cloth makers right on Etsy! It really is less gross than disposable pads, they do not stink, and they are super comfortable.

I have tried a few different brands now, and my favorites so far are April M Designs. They are all 100% cotton flannel, which is soft, trim fitting, and absorbant. I am definitely liking the more natural fibers like cotton, hemp and bamboo better than synthetics. Just look at this adorable panty liner she has available right now! And, I can't say if it's for sure from using cloth, or maybe just from being different since giving birth, but my cycles are definitly lighter. I wish I could say they are also shorter like some people supposedly experience when using cloth, but they are not. Another plus for me though is way less cramping! I have read that all the chemicals in disposables contribute to excessive bleeding and cramping. And, I'm doing laundry all the time anyways, so it's not any harder or adding more work to my day.